BROTHER JED’S VIRGINITY TEST

The Soul Doctor, Brother Jed’s Virginity Test.

I can understand why females might begrudge virginity tests by gynecologists; their tests are invasive. Brother Jed’s test is not physically invasive.

Daily on campus, I ask, “How many of you girls are virgins?” Typically, a small minority raise their hands. Actually, more of them may be virgins then are willing to admit to it. Unfortunately, virginity, not promiscuity, carries a stigma in college life.

Next, I ask, “Who is willing to submit to Brother Jed’s virginity test? This is not a physical exam; it is a verbal test.”

Usually, I will find a willing humanist patient.

“Question number 1, have you ever had a penis in your vagina?” If she answers no, I inquire: “Number 2, have you ever had a penis in your mouth?” If she passes that test, I proceed: “Number 3, have you ever had a penis in your anus?” If she passes, I finally ask, “Have you ever had a penis in your hand?”

If she answers positively to any of these questions, I declare: “You fail the virgin test!”

If she answers negatively to these interrogations, I have one final question, “Are you a lesbian?” If she answers no, I declare: “You have just passed Brother Jed’s virgin test. Let’s all give this girl a hearty applause.” If she confesses to being a lesbian I warn, “If you have had your tongue in a vagina, you are not a virgin.”

Often a boy will claim to be a virgin and he wants to take the test: “I just have one question for you boy, are you a virgin because you can’t get any or are you a virgin because you don’t want any?”

For the girls, who have lost their virginity or given away it away without marriage, I say, “This is the good news; you can become a born-again virgin. Now girls don’t get to excited; I can’t promise you a new hymen; I am speaking figuratively. Spiritually, you can get your virtue back. In the sight of God, you can become as pure as the driven snow and you still might get a decent husband.”

Pausing to reflect for a moment, I then extend a word of encouragement, “On the other hand, the Bible does say all things are possible with God. If you are really a good girl, pay your tithes, sing in the choir or teach Sunday School, perhaps God can do a little miracle down there. And with the touch of his finger, he could give you a new hymen. Now I admit; I have never heard of that happening. But who ever heard of a virgin conceiving a child until Mother Mary came on the scene?”

Jennifer Gunter, a gynecologist who writes about women’s health issues, claims that virginity is “a patriarchal social construct.”

Social constructs are ideas that has been created and accepted by the people in a society but are not objective realities. Alas, the Blessed Virgin was not familiar with 20th Century pseudo social science.

Secularists and humanists are moral relativists, who are determined to abolish the very idea of virginity, because they likely lost their virginity illegitimately. Do away with the concept and in their twisted minds, girls will lose their guilty conscience. They may sear their conscience but they will still be condemned before God, if they don’t repent and believe the gospel.

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